


The Things We Lose (And The Things We Gain)

by allofthefandoms



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Brain Damage, Good Guy Jasper, M/M, Permanent Injury, Polyamory, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery, Spinal Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:04:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2110953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allofthefandoms/pseuds/allofthefandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was easy  to think they were doing the right thing when they had decided Jasper was going to go deep undercover all those years ago, easy to kiss him goodbye knowing any day could be their last but knowing it was for the best, for the good of not just SHIELD but the whole world.</p>
<p>It wasn’t so easy now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things We Lose (And The Things We Gain)

**Author's Note:**

> For my Marvel Rare Pair Exchange!

It was easy  to think they were doing the right thing when they had decided Jasper was going to go deep undercover all those years ago, easy to kiss him goodbye knowing any day could be their last but knowing it was for the best, for the good of not just SHIELD but the whole world.

It wasn’t so easy now.

Phil knows he should go home, shower, shave, eat a meal that hasn’t spent a day under a heat lamp but he can’t leave.  He can’t pull himself from Jasper’s side where the loyal agent is laboring to draw every breath under a ventilator mask, most of his body crushed.  They called it a miracle that he wasn’t dead on site, but Phil hasn’t been feeling so lucky this past week.  He’s shaken and weak and unsure and after almost losing Nick on to of this, he’s shaking in his skin.

“Get some rest, Cheese.”

“Ah, yes, coming from the man with holes in him,” Phil said dryly, mustering up a weak smile for Nick as he staggered into the room.  Nick slumps down beside Phil, looking pale.  Phil reaches for his hand, sure they were safe in the high security hospital.

“Any change?”  Nick’s voice has lost any of its levity, which hadn’t been much to begin with.

“Nothing,” Phil said softly.  He knows it’s getting to be time to seriously consider if it’s fair to keep Jasper on life support, if it’s fair to keep the shell of the man they love alive just because the thought of losing him hurts so much.  Nick squeezes Phil’s hand as if he could read his thoughts and that’s when they both hear a faint gasping moan.

“Jasper?” Phil breathes as alarms blare.  They are shoved aside as medical staff race into the room, and Phil curls desperately into Nick’s good shoulder as they work to stabilize Jasper.

It seemed like forever until the doctors stepped aside, but the sliver of warm brown eyes as Jasper blinked slowly awake made Phil’s heart lurch sideways in his chest, joy and pain warring for dominance.

“P…Phil?”

~ ~ ~

It’s nearly two months before they can even think about taking Jasper home.  He’ll never be a field agent again with the shakes he has from his back injury, and he forgets things almost every day.  That’s the hardest part for Phil.  Jasper used to have an almost photographic memory and now they have to remind JARVIS to make sure he doesn’t leave the stove on and burn the house down.

(JARVIS has been the best gift Tony could have ever given them, doubly so when Jasper finally came home, trembling and weak.  It’s a weight off Phil’s mind, knowing that no matter what happens Jasper will be safe and looked after when Phil’s not there.)

Caring for Jasper brought Phil and Nick closer, and both of them are starting to think that maybe Jasper is a full time job, or at least one best undertaken without the added pressure of saving the world.  They are both feeling every wound and not just the physical ones.

“Maybe it’s time we get out,” Phil says softly one afternoon while he and Nick watch jasper sleep.

“Leave SHIELD?  It’s my whole world, you know that.”

“I feel  more and more like I don’t belong there anymore, that I’m needed here more.”  Nick gave a sad smile, stroking Jasper’s cheek where soft fuzz had begun to grow, Jasper’s hands too unsteady to shave it.

“You were always the one who truly had his heart,” Nick said softly.  “He loved me because you love me, but he never felt the same way about me.  Stay.  I know he’ll appreciate it.”  Phil gave a soft, sad sound.

“I’ll be fine, Cheese.  He needs you.  That’s important.”  Phil gave a sad and thankful little smile, heart aching with both love and sadness.

“He should be returning with us,” Phil said mournfully.

“But he’s not and he won’t,” Nick replied, ever the pragmatist.  “We just have to figure out how to best live with that.”

~ ~ ~

Phil retired from SHIELD three weeks later.  There wasn’t much fanfare, just a few words from his team on the bus and a few small trinkets.  Walking home from the train, it felt a little underwhelming.  SHIELD had been his whole life and now it was gone, just like that.

He idly kicks a pebble, watching it skitter across the concrete and up against a half dead sapling growing in the sidewalk.  So much has happened, and Phil feels totally adrift.  He had joined the army at 18, SHIELD at 24 and he had never looked back.  He had never had time to be just a normal civilian and he didn’t know what he’d do.  It’s not like he had any hobbies to fall back on.  (Unless you counted paperwork or shooting.  But Phil suspected they didn’t count at all.)

He’s stewing in his self-doubt when he walks in the door to their flat, but he comes up short when he sees Jasper.  He’s having a low pain day and is totting around the flat repainting the walls.  They had been thinking about it for weeks now, but seeing the deep blue paint on the wall instead of just the chips is something else entirely.

“Hey,” Jasper says warmly, face and clothing splattered in paint.  “I was feeling good so I decided to get a head start on our painting work.  Hope you don’t mind.”

“Mind?” Phil says with a disbelieving laugh.  “Just seeing you up and about is the best part of my day!”  Jasper’s look is knowing and sad.

“You could have stayed,” he says, not quite meeting Phil’s eyes.  “I have JARVIS.  I wouldn’t be alone.”

“You needed me here,” Phil says firmly.  “And I don’t want to be anywhere else but with you.”  Jasper’s smile is a little sad and a little lopsided, but Phil wouldn’t trade it for the world.

 

 

 

 


End file.
